All in the Ears of the Beholder
by KuroDark
Summary: One-shot. Konan is simply taking a stroll through Akatsuki headquarters when she accidently eavesdrops on the most disturbing conversation she has ever heard, not realizing that things are not always what they seem. Implied SasoDei. Edit: Implied PeinTobi
1. Chapter 1

Konan strolled down the long hallway at the Akatsuki headquarters idly folding a sheet of paper into a fish. She vaguely considered playing a mildly amusing prank on Kisame involving the fish, some blue paint, and a bowl of soup; but quickly thought better of it after remembering how well her last practical joke had gone over with the shark man. Itachi had to use Mangekyou Sharingan to stop him for beating the cowering Konan to a bloody pulp.

As she continued on her journey, Konan had the misfortune of walking by a door. It was an ordinary door, wooden with a long brass handle, which makes it odd that walking by it could cause misfortune, but it could, which is apparent by the events that are about to unfold.

"Deidara, stop fussing and get on already," said the unmistakable sound of Sasori's voice. Konan froze, not entirely sure if she heard what she had thought she heard.

"Ya, ya, I'm going, un," followed Deidara, "It's not like you're being any help." There was a loud grunt followed by mild swearing from Sasori. "This damn cloak is getting in the way, un"

"So take it off." A moments silence, then, "Ugh, you're heavy," groaned the puppet master, there was a sharp, almost indignant thud, quickly followed by Sasori saying, "Easy now, no need to break me." Deidara scoffed audibly.

"As if I could, you're harder than a rock, and besides, if I'm so heavy, you can be on top next time, un."

Konan could not believe her ears. Unless she was very much mistaken, and she didn't believe she was, she was becoming a partial witness in the sort of scene many girls dream about seeing. As quietly as possible, she leaned against the door, curious and horrified at the same time.

Deidara gave a low whistle, "That's huge, Sasori-no-danna, are you sure you can handle it, hm?"

"Yes, I can handle it, now just grab it, or are your hands not big enough?" snapped Sasori irritably. Konan quickly became unsure of whether she should be delighted or disgusted. She settled on an odd mixture of the two that made her strain to hear more, and yet have an expression of deep revulsion.

"Almost there," panted Deidara after another moments silence. There was the sound of great straining.

"Oh God," yelled Sasori suddenly, "Keep those filthy hand-mouth things OFF of it."

"It's the easiest way," responded Deidara, also yelling. Konan gnawed her lip in glee; this was much better than she has ever imagined. Not that she spent time imagining such things.

"It's disgusting," snarled the redheaded man.

"Ya, well you can't complain as you're on the bottom. I'm doing all the work, un," Deidara grumbled. Sasori gave a loud grunt of dissent, but said nothing until three minutes later. Konan counted.

"Why the hell does Pein keep it up so high?" he inquired finally, strain apparent in his voice. Konan did a swift Irish jig at the delicious mental image this presented, before settling down to listen once again.

"No clue," grunted the endearing blonde, "Ow, damn, Sasori – that really hurts, un."

"Deal with it," Sasori responded cruelly, "But he's an idiot, it's not like we don't know it's there. He uses it all the time."

At this point, Konan nearly fainted with pleasure. Pein was in on this too? Next they'd be discussing Hidan's talent at such things. Not that she thought about that either.

"Ugh,I don't think this is any good, Sasori-no-danna, we need someone bigger, un," groaned Deidara.

"Just try harder, we're so close." There was a particularly loud groan from both the men and then a triumphant noise burst from the other side of the door.

"We did it, un!" exclaimed Deidara joyfully.

"Told you," smirked Sasori tiredly. There was an ominous creak.

"Uh-oh," breathed Deidara. A sudden loud crash shook the floor where Konan stood, now horrified, having been hit with the full realization of what has just happened. Her thoughts were interrupted by Sasori's laughter.

"That was perfect. Right in the face," he chortled. Deidara groaned and was then silent. "Oh, geez, are you unconscious again? Really, boy, you'd think you'd be used to this by now."

Someone, presumably Sasori, walked towards the door. Konan immediately leapt to the spot where she would be hidden once the door opened and tried to disguise her newly found disgust at the situation. Sasori casually walked from the room, thankfully going in the opposite direction of where Konan was hiding. There was silence.

After a rather long mental debate, Konan crept around the door and peered into the room. Deidara lay on the floor, unconscious. His cloak was thrown on the floor beside him and there was a bottle of something laying beside it. Half of the words were blocked by Deidara's hand. What she could read scared her. _Lubri-_ Frightened, she turned and walked from the room, never to be the same again.

XxxxX

Sasori strolled happily down the hallway, tightly clutching the hammer he and Deidara had struggled to get to. The entire thing had turned out alright, even if his shoulders were a bit sore from having Deidara stand on them. He felt slightly remorseful for leaving Deidara lying on the floor, but it was his fault for tipping over the shelf and getting smacked in the face with the bottle, anyway.

He shrugged and locked himself in his room, throwing a look at the broken Hiruko. He glanced at the hammer at his hand and smiled, glad that he could finally fix it.

-Fin.


	2. Chapter 2

A few weeks after her first adventure with a closed door, Konan was still uncomfortable being around either Sasori or Deidara and particularly around both of them at once, but she was usually able to hide her discomfort.

Unfortunately for her, things were about to get a whole lot more awkward, though not with Sasori and Deidara.

* * *

She was walking through the living room to head to the stairs leading to the dorms when she, once again, passed by an ominously closed door.

And once again, she heard a sound that made her pause.

"Ah, that looks fantastic," she heard Tobi say in a voice that was far too low and sensual to be referring to anything innocent.

She raised her eyebrows and crept closer to the door. Tobi? Interesting. Who could he possibly be talking to?

A deep chuckle came in response to Tobi's statement.

"Of course it does. As expected from me," replied a smooth voice.

Pein? Seriously? After a pause, she bit her bottom lip in glee. That was the hottest combination since Hidan and Itachi.

"You're a bit full of yourself," said Tobi, sounding amused.

"Ah, but I have reason to be. Are you looking at this?" came Pein's voice, a clear smirk present in it.

"Yeah, yeah. I just said it's fantastic. It's beautiful, wonderful, absolutely stunning."

Konan had to admit, she was intrigued. All this talk was getting her very interested in seducing Pein at some point. Of course, that wouldn't be possible if he swung the other way. Which would also explain why he always looked at her funny whenever she said anything flirtatious.

"That's right, bitch," replied Pein casually, "Now, let's get this in there."

"Dude, I'm not sure it'll fit," said Tobi, sounding unsure.

"Relax. You just got to push it in smoothly."

"Whatever you say," Tobi said doubtfully.

Konan squirmed joyously and put her ear closer to the door. Were they seriously getting it on here? They couldn't do it in one of their rooms? Not that she was complaining…

There was silence for a few seconds and then one of them grunted.

"It's not gonna fit, Pein," Tobi said exasperatedly.

Konan's eyebrows somehow managed to slip higher up her forehead. She definitely was going to have to catch Pein unawares.

"It'll fit fine. Just relax," snapped Pein. For a moment he was silent and then he groaned quietly, "Of course it'll fit. It's gotta fit," his voice sounding slightly desperate towards the end.

"Hey, man. It's not that big of a deal," said Tobi comfortingly, "Let me try."

"No! This is my deal," Pein growled.

She almost smirked. It looked like Pein was not ok with being the bottom. Which wasn't really that surprising, considering his type-A personality.

"Ow! Dude! Not cool!" yelped Tobi.

She put a hand to her mouth, and pressed herself against the door. This was too good.

"Sorry. My bad," Pein replied, not sounding sorry at all.

There came the distinctive sound of something being sucked on. NO. WAY. She HAD to see this. But, no, she couldn't…she couldn't let them know she knew of their secret love. No, she had to leave before she did something she was going to regret.

And, so, with great strength of will, she pulled herself from the door and walked away.

* * *

Pein shook his head as Tobi continued to suck on his burnt fingers.

"Unsanitary," he reprimanded, removing the oven mitts and pulling out two smaller pans. He sighed as he transferred the chocolate chip cookies that he had just made from the larger pan to the smaller ones.

Tobi simply sulked and stuck his hand under cold water.

"I told you it wouldn't fit," he muttered.

"Oh, shut up or I won't give you any."

"You'd better give me some or I'll tell everyone else that you love to bake."

"You wouldn't…"

"Try me."

Pein glowered at him.

"Ah, whatever. You can have a tray."

"Yes!"

* * *

Konan just about had a fit when she heard Tobi scream, "Yes!" as she was walking away. She promptly started running to keep herself from racing back and throwing open the door.

_Fin_

xxx

A/N: Have you ever noticed how all the best ideas come to you in the shower? No? Well, I thought of this in the shower, so I just HAD to write it. Now, I really wanted to say this:

"**You're a bit full of yourself," said Tobi, sounding amused. **

"**Soon, you will be too," Pein smirked.**

But there's no way you can apply that to baking, haha. But I had to share it with you anyway. There you go. So, I hope you liked it.


End file.
